Day 1.  (Not me in the picture...but it's sort of how I feel at the moment.)

I decided I was going to start today.  I just ended the one relationship that I have been "dreaming" up my whole future around for the past year.  I honestly am at a crossroads I didn't think I would be at.  I'm not even sure if it's a crossroads per say, it's more of going full speed ahead on an over pass just to discover that it doesn't go anywhere...it just ends...I had to stop completely...and now...I'm there...standing still, trying to figure out where to now.  I guess I should have seen it coming...I guess my friends probably did...maybe they could have told me...or maybe they even did... I'm pretty sure they were probably standing on the side of this road I've been speeding along holding large bright yellow warning signs...and I just refused to turn to the side and look.  I'm pretty sure I just went full speed ahead as I often do when I fall in love.  I give them every bit of me.  Well...Now I find myself 36, completely free and without a clue what my future holds.

Some may find this rather liberating or even quite exciting.  For me...I'm dead shit scared.  I'm not sure if I can say shit...this is after all my first blog.  I've only ever journaled and in there I pretty much write what I'm thinking...I figured I was going to treat this the same way.  I'm sure I'll hear from the "powers that be" of blogging if I'm crossing some sort of proverbial virtual line.

So, I've decided that since I honestly have no idea where my now new road leads, I'm going to document this new journey to find me.  I figure I need to embark on this journey to find myself... since before I gave myself completely away to the last person I was in love with, I was married for more years then I care to mention.  I have never really be alone...or just ME...well at least not my "adult" life.   I journal but not really regularly, I figured if I made it public...and some other lonely lost soul out there started reading this...then I would feel more compelled to keep up the writing...I have an enormous sense of responsibility when I feel someone is relying on me.  Let us pray that someone eventually does.

I sit here on day one...and I think the one thing I look forward to most is the day I can look back at day one and say...wow that was a blessing in disguise.